It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted or even signed onto my blog. As some of you know, Bilbo and I drove to MN to tryout for the USA agility teams. My horrible nerves caused us to have an E in the first round but we got our act together and did great the rest of the rounds. I know we can both run better than we did, but for our first time at ITT I’m proud of us. I was sure we must have made the European Open team.
On the drive home from tryouts, the day after rounds 3 & 4, they contacted the people that they were going to put on the team. I was not one of them.
When I went through my adrenal cancer scare in fall of 2013, I was almost certain I was going to die before the spring. I had to face my own mortality at the age of 25, and one of the things I remember saying through tears was that I never got to make the international team. It’s been a dream of mine since I started agility. I tell you this not to be melodramatic or for you to pity me, but to provide insight to my intense feelings and reaction. I was crushed. I cried. I wallowed in self pity for days. I was so close…. I had made it to tryouts… we had done fairly well… and the world knocked me back on my ass. My heart ached; I had wanted this so bad.
Rejection hurts. It stung at my pride and knocked my confidence down quite a few notches. It’s hard not to second guess whether or not we’re even good enough to ever make it. I’ve always been hard on myself; a perfectionist. My constant internal monologue became –
I should’ve – trained harder, gotten in better shape, taken more anxiety medicine those days, done more AKC to get my Q percentage up, ect.
The sting has subsided a bit after a few weeks. Bilbo and I have just been playing agility in the backyard since tryouts and went to a small local trial over the weekend. We’ve just been enjoying our time together and having fun. Being rejected our first time at tryouts doesn’t mean we are an inept team… that we might as well give up. We are a great team and we train hard. We’re already excited for whats to come: EO camp in August, WAO tryouts in November, & EO tryouts in December, but most importantly my hobbit and I get to play agility together. We will still dream wonderful, big dreams and share this adventure called life together.
Watch out world, the hobbit and I still have a lot of fight left in us!
*Think of the happiest things. It’s the same as having wings!*